"No one will ever know!"
Millennials, the much-maligned generation of supposedly tech-savvy ingrates born sometime in the 1980s or 90s, frequently find themselves on the receiving end of poorly thought out criticism.
And yet, like something out of a David Brooks wet dream, they seem to have once again one-upped themselves when it comes to cluelessness. You see, it turns out that the digital generation is using the payment app Venmo to buy drugs.
Like, illegal drugs. From drug dealers.
For those not in the know, Venmo allows users to easily send and receive payments — attaching little notes to each and every transaction. A typical use between friends might be splitting a check at a restaurant that won’t accept multiple credit cards, or hitting your buddy back for some concert tickets he bought. It’s incredibly convenient, and likewise incredibly popular.
It also keeps a record of every single transaction. Every. Single. Transaction.
LendEDU, which bills itself as "a marketplace for student loans and student loan refinance," wanted to see if youngsters these days were using the definitely not-anonymous payments app for purposes better left to cash. And oh boy will its findings leave you in a deep face-palm spiral.
"We commissioned an online survey of over 1,000 millennials to find out how many of them were using Venmo for drugs or gambling," reads the report. "The first question was asked to 1,217 millennials and read like this: ‘Have you used Venmo to pay for drugs (ex. Marijuana, adderall, cocaine, etc.)?’ Nearly a third of respondents, 32.6 percent, claimed that they have used Venmo for some type of drug."
"Just paying for my plant fertilizer that is best used on ski slopes!"
That’s right, close to a third of those surveyed admitted to using Venmo — which, again, keeps a record of each transaction — to pay for illegal drugs.
As a fellow millennial (hi guys!), I can only hang my head in shame. To my fellow 20/30-somethings reading this, do you really think anyone is fooled by that "leaf" emoji you keep attaching to semimonthly $60 payments?
Because no one is.
We reached out to Venmo to get their take on this frustrating display of stupidity, and their response comes as no surprise.
"As clearly outlined in the Venmo User Agreement, people are prohibited from using Venmo for gambling or payments that involve drugs," explained Josh Criscoe, Venmo’s head of corporate affairs and communications, via email. "If there is ever a situation where evidence of gambling or other illegal activity is brought to our attention, Venmo works quickly to take appropriate action."
Basically, using Venmo to buy drugs is both dumb and explicitly banned by the service.
And so, before some cranky columnist writes a think piece about millennials’ use of Venmo to score molly as a harbinger of the downfall of society, let’s all just agree to stop doing it.
Sound OK? Good. We promise, one day your lawyer will thank you.